I Bless the Rains
by mmouse15
Summary: Beachcomber and Perceptor get sent to do an energy/geologic survey in Africa - what shenanigans will occur? NEW! Second chapter added, because I got another punny prompt.
1. I Bless The Rain

Title: I Bless the Rains

By: mmouse15

Rating: PG

Warnings: science geeks talking? Bad geology jokes, much geo-geeking.

'Verse: G1

Characters: Beachcomber, Perceptor

Pairing/threesome/orgy Wanted: Beachcomber/Perceptor

Continuity wanted: whichever

Three things wanted in story: running, snark, hilarity ensues

Three things you don't want to see in story: non/dub-con, injury to animals

Link to image-as-prompt(if it's a page with multiple images, please make sure you indicate which image): http:// www dot watsonswildlife dot com/ images3/ Serengeti_Rhino_by_Rick_Kelley dot jpg (it's a black rhinoceros, BTW)

Author's Notes: The interpretation for Beachcomber's visor is vani-nessa's, from her excellent story _By The Sea_. All credit goes to her.

I don't remember who first used 'Cept as a shortened version of Perceptor, but I like it. It's not my idea, though.

I apologize for the amount of geo-geeking. You give a person with a geology degree the geology Autobot, and you get bad geology jokes and loads of total geekery. Then you throw in Africa, and I went crazy. I hope you enjoy.

O0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Beachcomber slid his visor back over his eyes, running through the spectrums of light, analyzing the rock in his hand.

"Beachcomber, I do not think that rocks were part of the energy survey we were sent to get." Perceptor told him. He was surveying the landscape they were in, his optics sweeping across the horizon. The two scientists had been sent by Optimus Prime to Africa to evaluate the possibility of synthesizing energon from the energy sources of the continent. They were one of three teams sent out for this type of research, and Beachcomber was very happy to be away from the fighting and conflicts with the Decepticons.

"Chill, 'Cept. These rocks are unusual."

A silence descended. Finally, Perceptor asked, "Exactly how are they unusual, Beachcomber?"

The Autobot geologist set the rock down and turned to the scientist. "Remember how we used to debate if silicates were the only basis for volcanic eruptions? Back before the war?"

"I remember debating if life forms could ever use carbon or silica as a basis, too, 'Comber."

"Yeah, well, we thought that the melting point of a volcano was too high to ever use minerals that had a low melting point – they'd volatilize out of the magma."

"Of course they would. With melting point of over 1100°C, there is no possible way for the lesser minerals to remain in the magma."

"Right, but what if the magma was only 510°C?"

Perceptor thought that over, then replied slowly, "Well, all the silicate based magmas are solid at that point, so…that would…would there be anything molten?"

Beachcomber grinned. "Actually, yes. We're standing on it."

Perceptor immediately transformed and examined the rocks beneath their peds. "It's calcium carbonate, Beachcomber."

"Ah, it's not, exactly. Look closer. It's actually something the humans call carbonatite. It's a low temperature lava, with very little silica dioxide and a great deal of calcium carbonate."

Perceptor looked around. "So why is this black and that," he gestured a short distance away, "is white?"

"This is a very fresh flow. Once it reacts with the moisture in the air, it will turn white too."

"Fascinating. What is this place? And why, Beachcomber, did you stop us here?"

Beachcomber straightened and came over to his taller comrade. "Perceptor, this planet is fascinating. The sheer variety of life, the complex systems, the way everything works together…it's worthy of our time. This, " he threw his arms out and turned in a circle, indicating the landscape they were part of, "is the birthplace of the human race. It has some of the oddest rocks on the planet. It puts out enormous quantities of different lavas, and the geothermal possibilities for energy are huge, and you want to just blip on by? Shame, Perceptor, shame."

He continued, gesturing toward the mountain dominating the eastern horizon, "That mountain is called Kilimanjaro. It's dormant, but it's a stratovolcano. If it did become active, that lava is hot enough to melt us. Whereas this lava," he pointed to the ground they were standing on, "isn't hot enough. This volcano is called Ol Doinyo Lengai, and it is the only active carbonatite volcano on the planet. That makes it worth studying, since we can learn something about the flow and nature of lava without burning ourselves. It's not a detour, it's a deepening of our understanding."

Perceptor vented, a gesture he'd picked up from Wheeljack, who had gotten it from Sparkplug. As far as Beachcomber could tell, it was an expression of frustration. "I still think this is just an excuse."

The geologist laughed. "It is, but we've been studying this rift system for the last month, working our way down from the Jordan rift valley, through sand and desert, and now we're in the savannah. There's life here, Perceptor, animals and vegetation and millions of years of life. I want to take a day or two and savour it."

Perceptor suddenly grinned, "It has been difficult, hasn't it? I thought I'd never get all that sand out of my lens."

"Yeah, and I was pretty sure I was going to strip a gear trying to get unstuck from that sand in Egypt."

"I thought dune buggies didn't get stuck in sand."

"We don't, except when there's a sand storm and the sand moves on us, and certain microscopes refuse to get out and push."

"I would have scratched my lens and we would have had to return to the Ark for replacement parts." Perceptor sniffed.

Beachcomber chuckled and made a gesture of peace, "Pax?"

"Indeed. If you don't mind, I'm going to leave you here to study rocks to your spark's content and go examine some of this vegetation."

Beachcomber waved, returning his attention to the rocks and the unique formations created by the natrocarbonatite. He worked his way up the slope toward the crater, avoiding the spatter from the cones that were the source of the lava. After a few hours, he had a nice collection of rocks to take back to their camp at the base of the volcano. He rejoined Perceptor there and they collected the small amount of energon synthesized by the sun during the day. He let Perceptor have most of the energon – he was smaller, he didn't require the use of subspace to change form, and he was able to use the sun's energy to recharge himself.

Perceptor leaned against the tree they had picked as their base. He pointed to the west. "Beachcomber, if you don't mind another detour, I tapped into ARPANET and this continent's largest fresh water lake is 300 klicks west of our present location. I would like to examine it, if that's acceptable."

"Sure, Cept, that would be fine." Beachcomber settled his back against the tree and initiated his recharge sequence. He was followed shortly thereafter by Perceptor, and the two Autobots passed a comfortable night.

O0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

In the morning, however, they were both cursing themselves. The tree they had chosen was called a sausage tree, and during the night, several of the fruits had dropped, fortunately missing both Autobots, and they were surrounded by elephants when they woke from their recharge. Beachcomber laughed as a young elephant snuffled his trunk over him. When he stood, he was taller than the youngster. Perceptor towered over the elephants, and the two Autobots carefully removed themselves from the scene, Beachcomber giving the young elephant a last pat as he left.

They chose to walk for a distance. Normally when they traveled, Beachcomber transformed into his dune buggy alt mode and Perceptor took a running dive into the seat, transforming as he went to land in his microscope form. It had been tricky the first few times they had tried it, but after the long weeks of travel they had it down to an easy-to-accomplish drill. But this morning, with the sun warming their backs and the abundant wildlife and vegetation, they chose to remain in their robotic forms and see with their optics rather than their sensor arrays. They passed a kopjes and watches the hyraxes for a while, then marveled at the birds of prey using the top of the kopjes as an aerie. Continuing their walk, they moved through herds of wildebeests and zebras, grazing on the abundant grasses.

Beachcomber pointed out a bubbling spring near the base of the kopjes and Perceptor stopped to test the water, finding it warm, which was an indication of thermal activity. They continued on their way, moving through the wildlife. Beachcomber had to laugh when Perceptor crawled under an acacia shrub to examine a specimen and came crawling out rapidly, shaking off ants everywhere.

"You wouldn't be laughing if it were you." Perceptor told him, finally giving up on getting rid of the ants and transforming. The rapid shift in size from a 5m robot to a 0.35m microscope, with the shifting of so much mass to subspace caused the ants to fall to the ground. Perceptor then shifted back and walked away. 'Comber was rolling on the ground laughing.

"Next time, I'll send you in to get the specimen."

"Next time, you'll find out what it is before you go crawling into it. And we'll both be grateful we can't be bitten by those ants."

They continued their walk across the plains. Perceptor pointed out a pride of lions lounging in the branches and shade of an umbrella tree. The predators watched them, but quickly lost interest since they weren't prey.

They ran into trouble near a waterhole. A different herd of elephants was drinking there. Beachcomber explained the matriarchal structure of the herd and pointed out how the oldest female was the first to drink. The problem came when a young bull elephant also came to the waterhole and then tried to mount a young female. Perceptor, not understanding, was caught in the middle and only rescued by Beachcomber yanking him out of the way. The young bull tried to argue the point with the matriarch. Perceptor was most impressed by the organization of the herd. The two youngsters with them were pushed into the center and the other females made a circle around the young with the matriarch being the point of the teardrop. The females backed away and the young bull finally went off.

Beachcomber was explaining to Perceptor that the bull was too young to be in musth and none of the females seemed receptive when Perceptor asked from behind him, "And what is this animal?"

Beachcomber turned and yelped, "Cept, don't!" too late to stop the larger Autobot from poking the animal he was crouched over.

The rhinoceros objected with loud snorts and bellows. Perceptor couldn't stop himself and poked again, then objected himself when Beachcomber grabbed him by his shoulder and yanked him away. The rhino gave chase, rapidly building his speed up and pursuing the fleeing robotic forms.

"Beachcomber, really, we're much larger than it is, I really don't see how…" Perceptor stumbled as the rhino made contact, his shoulder slamming into Perceptor's leg. Beachcomber turned slightly and grabbed Perceptor's arm, pulling him in a slightly different direction.

"Right, Cept. Trust me on this, we need to be moving!" Beachcomber steered them toward a kopje not very far from the waterhole.

"Primus, this beast is quick! I don't think I can go much faster, 'Comber."

"Yes, you can!" Beachcomber dodged around a tree, dragging Perceptor after him. The rhino was slow to change direction, which gave the two time to reach the edge of the kopje. The granite was cracked and that allowed foot-and-handholds. Beachcomber started dragging himself up, yelling back at Perceptor, "You need to follow me, Cept!"

Perceptor reached up and started hauling himself up, "But, 'Comber, I really don't think this is necessary." He broke off when the rhinoceros reached below them and bellowed in anger at their escape. The animal paced below them, continuing to snort and bellow. Perceptor shut up and hauled himself to the top of the formation.

They both reached the top of a smooth granitic boulder. Trees and shrubs surrounded the rocks, which rose from the Serengeti rather like a knob. Grasses covered the plains, while trees and shrubs tucked themselves close to the kopje.

Beachcomber flopped down and said, "Holy schist, Microscope man, we made it!"

Perceptor looked askance at Beachcomber and asked, "Are you well, Beachcomber?"

'Comber flapped a hand at him and told him, "I'm a lifesaver! Except I'm not round with a hole in the middle."

"What?"

"The more you try to be gneiss, the more you get taken for granite." Beachcomber informer him gravely before breaking into another burst of laughter.

Perceptor didn't answer, rapidly accessing his medical protocols, certain that there was something extremely wrong with Beachcomber.

"Do you know geologists make the beds rock?" Beachcomber was snickering, their narrow escape from the rhino having set something off in him.

Perceptor accessed his internal comms and after a brief exchange with Jazz, looked at Beachcomber and ventured, "We dig earth?"

"Exactly! Geologists always have the best cleavage!"

Perceptor started laughing and choked out, "What a lode off my mind!"

"I'm a geologist, and I'm hung like a horst!"

"Geologic harassment is grabben a dike by the cleavage!"

Beachcomber snorted and responded, "Geology, where subduction always leads to orogeny!"

"Ah, but that would be getting your rocks off." Perceptor told him, nodding gravely. He was unable to keep from laughing when Beachcomber responeded, "At least geologists do it on inclined bedding!"

The laughter released much of the tension they'd both had after their escape from the rhino and through the morning they continued to exchange geology jokes, laughing and enjoying the sun. The rhinoceros finally lost interest and wandered off, whereupon the two clambered down and continued in alt form on their quest to see Lake Victoria.

The rest of their research on the African continent went quickly, but for a long time after, Beachcomber could always get Perceptor to lighten up by starting with, "Geologists do it…"

The End.

PS Some of the endings are:

…eruptively, with glow, and always smoke afterwards.

…in folded beds.

…to get hammered and stoned.

…in the dirt!

…to feel the earthquake!

…so they don't lose their apatite.

…because they never lose their luster.


	2. Igneous Is Bliss

Title: Igneous Is Bliss

Characters: Beachcomber, Perceptor, Spike, OC

Content: Puns, bad geology jokes

This is for flesh_and_steel's April challenge, **Bad Puns**.

Notes: OK, I have a degree in geology. So does my beloved spouse. He also really likes puns. This is a challenge meant for us. I have written another pun-filled geology story, so I decided to add this as another chapter after that story. They are connected, after all.

Also, I KNOW scales are weird in G1. I'm pretending that they're not, that Perceptor and Soundwave do go down to normal sized microscopes and cassette players, and that mass shifting is part of their abilities.

* * *

Spike peered through Perceptor's scope as the microscope told him what he was looking at under magnification.

"…you can clearly see the hydrocarbon seepage from the pores of this poorly consolidated sandstone."

"Uh-huh," Spike muttered, "and you can smell it, too."

"Correct. The volatilization of the sample indicates a high preponderance of short hydrocarbon chains in the sample."

"But is it too light, Perceptor?" Spike wanted to know. He glanced up as Beachcomber came up, driven by one of the geologists for the company Spike worked for.

"No, my calculations, based upon the information you've provided, indicate that this hydrocarbon reserve is within acceptable bounds for the needs of your company, Spike."

"Good. Thanks, Perceptor," breathed Spike.

"Alright, then, Spike, thanks for bringing me out here." An unfamiliar voice interrupted them.

Spike looked up from Perceptor's eyepiece and acknowledged the voice, "You're welcome, Dave. What did you find?"

Dave came over to the table where Spike had Perceptor set up and opened his backpack. He pulled a couple of sample bags out and opened one of them up, spilling the rocks into his hands. He plucked the hand lens from his shirt pocket and put it up to his eye, looking at the rock.

"Well, this sample that I got from the outcrop indicates that the sandstone is possibly a good reservoir. It will depend upon the permeability at depth and the level of cementation and how that affects the porosity. Looking at it, however, it's a nicely sorted sandstone. We'll have to do a drilling program to acquire samples for evaluation." Dave put the rocks back in the bag and opened the other one.

"This is a sample of the shale underlying the sandstone. Oh, the sandstone has to have a seal of some sort to hold the hydrocarbons in place if the generation window is acceptable. I need to take these back to the lab to get an idea of the TOC of the shale, but it's nice and black, which usually indicates pretty high organic content. If it got buried deeply enough and got hot enough, it should have generated a decent amount of oil and gas. Anyway, I'm ready to head back to the lab and test these samples and then write this up so we can get an exploration rig out here to drill some sample holes for us, see if this area is a possibility for further exploration and eventually, development." Dave was much more talking to himself than to Spike, but Spike felt that he could contribute. After all, he was studying geology at the local college, hoping to improve himself enough to move up from the roustabout status he had and make more money.

"I, uh, brought a drill out here and took some samples myself, if you'd like to look at them," Spike said.

Dave looked at the table and noticed, finally, the small cored samples laid neatly out and the microscope. "Well, that was good thinking, Spike. Yes, I'd like to look. How did you get the drill into that little dune buggy of yours?"

"Just lucky that it's small. It's an experimental technology my dad's been working on," Spike said, glossing over the lack of a large drill. "It's, uh, in that backpack over there." He pointed to a larger pack leaning against the rocks. He didn't want to explain to Dave that he was out here with two Autobots, and that Beachcomber had drilled down using a tool in his arm and taken the core for Spike while Dave had been in the woods, scouting around. The backpack DID contain a drill, but it didn't work. Sparkplug would have to revisit the idea.

"A backpack drill? What will they come up with next?" Dave wondered. He bent over the microscope and adjusted the focus, peering at the sample Spike had cut from the small core. Dave pulled out his fieldbook and began making notations in it, muttering to himself as he did.

Spike moved away from the table and leaned against a rock next to Beachcomber while he waited. It was comforting to be near an Autobot, even if they couldn't reveal themselves around other people. Beachcomber felt warm and comfortable, and Spike found himself slipping into a relaxed mood that was just shy of napping.

Until the sound of jet engines screaming just above tree level brought him, swearing, to his feet, his eyes rapidly tracking the sound.

Starscream, Thundercracker, and Skywarp were hovering over the ocean, just out from the beach they were above.

"Damn!" Spike swore.

"What is it?" Dave asked, having been startled out of his own reverie by the loud noise.

"Shush!" Spike said, pulling Dave down next to him. He watched the planes intently, sidling around Beachcomber until he could reach the passenger compartment, then reaching in and pulling out a pistol.

"Uh…" Dave said.

"Shush, those planes are bad guys and I really don't want them to notice us." Spike whispered.

Eventually the planes rose and shot away. Spike dropped his head on the seat and let out a great gust of air.

"That was close," remarked Beachcomber.

"Indeed," Perceptor's voice said, "perhaps a little too close. Spike, are there oil seeps around here?"

"Uh, yeah, Perceptor, about half a mile north of here is a pretty famous seep."

"That would be why they're here. They're scouting energy reserves, just like we are," Beachcomber said.

"WHO IS TALKING?" Dave was scrambling back, away from them all, until his back ran into the outcrop. He started to move sideways along the rocks, trying to get away from them.

"Oh," Spike said, "sorry about that, let me introduce my friends. This," he laid his hand on the dune buggy, "is Beachcomber and this," he moved to the table and touched the microscope's barrel, "is Perceptor. Beachcomber is a geologist and Perceptor is a scientist."

"They talk," Dave said, "they're machines, Spike, and they talk."

"They're not machines, Dave! They're robotic organisms from another planet." Spike said.

Perceptor unfolded himself. Dave cowered against the rocks as the small microscope unfolded into a giant robot. Beachcomber unfolded, too, Spike taking a couple of steps away to give him room. Beachcomber was smaller than Perceptor, the top of his head coming to the center of Perceptor's chest. It was always impressive, seeing how much mass Perceptor folded away into various subspaces when he transformed into his alt-mode.

"I hope I'm not intruding," Perceptor began.

"This is sedimentary deposition, Perceptor, no igneous rocks right here, so you can't be an intrusion," Beachcomber replied smartly.

Dave choked.

Spike turned and glared up at both Autobots. "Enough of the puns!"

"Ah, sorry, my fault," Beachcomber said.

"No, no, it's mine, I agate all confused. Sorry, Spike, we'll crater to your wishes." Perceptor said.

"They…they do puns." Dave managed to say.

"Yeah, they do, and it's a real pain to get them to stop." Spike told him.

"Sorry, Spike, they just sort of…slickensides out." Beachcomber's visor was twinkling with his mirth.

"Argh, I'm being basaulted by unearthly puns. They're coming like a landslide now, that's fissure!" Perceptor said, his face still serene, although his optics were alight with his own merriment.

Spike dropped his face into his hands. "Dave, Perceptor, Perceptor, Dave. Dave, Beachcomber, Beachcomber, Dave."

"So delightful to meet you," Perceptor said, bowing slightly toward Dave, "shale we continue our investigations?"

"Dave, gneiss to meet you!" Beachcomber said right after Perceptor.

Dave gaped at them all, then began to laugh. At first, it was just chuffs and heaves of air, but quickly he slid down the rock until he was on the ground, peals of laughter ringing out from him. Eventually, his laughter calmed down.

Then Beachcomber, who had been waiting for this opportunity, said, "We may talk tuff, but really, we're all wacke."

Perceptor fired right back, "That was marble-ous, Beachcomber. Did it take you an entire era to come up with that?"

"No, I have an entire lode of geology puns," Beachcomber said.

"Geologists do it…" Perceptor said.

"…because they have to grabben the opportunity!" Dave broke in.

"Exactly! We can keep it up until we get horst." Beachcomber grinned at the geologist.

"And we'll never lost our luster," Dave responded

"Until we've made the earth quake." Perceptor slid in.

Spike was laughing, too, and said to Dave, "You don't really need to encourage them."

Dave was climbing to his feet and responded, "Yes, but this has been an oolite-ful experience for me."

"Oh, Dave, you'll felsite right in with us." Beachcomber shot back.

"As fun as throwing geology puns around can be, we need to get out of here," Spike said, looking over the ocean uneasily.

At that reminder of the narrow escape they'd had, they all began to pack up. Beachcomber folded down into his dune buggy form, while Spike finished laying out the cores in the special boxes. Perceptor carried the boxes over to Beachcomber and stowed them in the back. Spike folded the table and brought it over to Beachcomber, putting it on top of the core boxes. Perceptor laid Spike's backpack on top, then folded down into his microscope form and Spike tucked him in between the backpack and his jacket. Dave put his backpack in and climbed into the passenger seat, while Spike swung into the driver's seat.

"OK, Beachcomber, let's go!" Spike said.

Beachcomber backed out from between the rocks and then headed down the faint track to the small, two-lane road they'd followed to come down here.

"Hey, Spike, do you think we have time to stop in town and get a bite to eat before we head back?" Dave asked.

"Yeah, Dave, we do. Days like this really work up my apatite, you know?" Spike answered.

Laughter trailed behind them as the pun(ic) wars continued…

The end!

Some of the jokes I DIDN'T use:

"These puns are all clastics!"

"I wouldn't want to gypsum you of some of the best puns."

"You should go to prism for that bad a pun!"

"This hasn't been metamorphosed." "How do you know?" "No schist."

"Geologists don't wrinkle, they just show lineation." (which would work really well for Beachcomber!)


End file.
